Handicapping Billy

An audio version of this post can be found at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omU7Q85YTNg&feature=youtu.be

   Cheryl snapped her phoned shut. "These things always seem to get complicated."
   I eased into the left turn lane. "What?"
   "Weddings ... there always seems to be drama floating around ... who's running things ... who is invited ... who gets left out ... you know."
   "I suppose ... I do my best to not get involved."
   Cheryl rolled her eyes. "No kidding."
   I turned onto our street. "So, who was that?"
   "Alma Beeler."
   "And?"
   "Oh, she wanted to know if we were going to Uncle Billy's friend's wedding."
   "Eb and Becky's?"
   "Of course."
   "How'd she even know about it?"
   "I assume she saw a Facebook post ... there have been quite a few."
   I glance over at her. "I thought you hated Facebook."
   "I do ... but I still look at it every now and then."
   "I see .. so, why is she interested?"
   "Who?"
   "Alma."
   "Oh. Why do you think? She wants to know if Uncle Billy is going to ask her to go with him."
   "Oh ... yeah."
   "Do you know?"
   "Billy never mentioned anything to me."
   "Do you think he might ask Clara?"
   "Like I said ... he never mentioned it."
   "Yes, but do you think he might?"
   "Who knows? Billy is likely to do anything ... he might ask the maid who cleans his apartment ... or he might not even go himself."
   "Do you think you can find out?"
   As the condo came in sight, I hit the garage door opener. "That's a tall order."
   "I know, but I'd like to be able to tell Alma something."
   "I wouldn't tell her ... even if I knew what Billy was doing ... it just none of my business."
   "Okay ... I'll ask Uncle Billy myself."
   "Good luck with that."
   I eased the car into the garage next to the Jaguar, which now sat on cement blocks. Cheryl got out and stared at the rusting hulk. "I see you're making progress."
   I ignored the cynicism in her voice. "Yep, it's coming along nicely."

Bunnies and Mules

An audio version of this post can be found at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crQPGilMeh0&feature=youtu.be

   The door was open and strains of Spike Jones's Der Fuehrer's Face poured out into the hallway. I walked in and saw Uncle Billy sitting at the kitchen table, hunched over his ipad.
   I went to the counter and turned down the ipod player. "What are you doing?" I asked.
   Billy looked up, a little startled. "You snuck up on me."
   "No, I didn't, Uncle ... your door is wide open."
   He looked past me at the doorway. "Oh, yeah ... I told the maid to leave it open ... I wanted to get a little cross ventilation."
   I walked over to the screen door that opened onto the patio. "It is a lovely day ... Michigan at it's best."
   Billy's gaze had followed me. "Yeah, I guess ... it's just nice to open things up and blow the stink out of here."
   "Well, if you put it that way ... " I walked back to the kitchen table and looked over Billy's shoulder. "So, what are you doing?"
   "Sewing coconuts together ... what the hell does it look like I'm doing?"
   "Uncle, all I can see is that you're staring at your ipad."
   Billy looked down at the tablet. "Yeah ... well, I'm checking tweets."
   "Oh ... anything interesting?"
   Billy looked back up at me. "Are you kidding?"
   "Well, why do you check them?"
   "Every now and then there is something worth while ... you just never know."
   "Like when you read about Eb's wedding plans?"
   "Yeah ... even that moron has a newsworthy tweet ... the rest of them are ridiculous things about his books."
   "Things about his books? Like what?"
   He scrolled through the list of tweets. "Like this ... " He held up the pad for me to read.
   "Do bunnies float ... Bunky does ... and what's the rest? ... a link of some kind?"
   Billy looked at the tablet. "Yeah ... a link to the Facebook page for Bunky Learns to Swim."
   I pulled out a chair to sit down.
   Billy held up his hand. "Don't sit down ... I want to get to Manny's before it closes."
   I pushed the chair back in and sighed. "Uncle, we've been though this ... Manny's never closes."
   Billy shut down the ipad. "Remember what the farmer said when his mule died ..."
   "Yeah, yeah ... it never did that before."
   He stood up. "Right, Boyo ... let's get a move on."
 

Twits and Ten Pins

An audio version of this post can be found at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1J8xPoP-jg&feature=youtu.be


   "Well, congratulations, Eb!" I said.
   Uncle Billy frowned. "Ssssh ... Hank needs to pick this spare to give us any chance at all."
   We watched Hank launch his ball down the lane.
   Eb turned back to me. "Thanks, Chris ... but I'm surprised you hadn't heard about it."
   I watched Hank's ball rolled harmlessly past the ten pin. "How would I have?"
   Eb ignored the action on the alley. "I Tweeted it yesterday."
   "Nice goin', Hank ... that outta ice the loss," shouted Billy.
   Hank walked back toward us. "Sorry, guys ... I guess this just isn't our week."
   "Not the way you're rolling 'em," said Billy. "You sick?"
   Hank sat on bench next to Billy. "Hey, I rolled a one eighty-two, for Pete's sake."
   "Forget about it, Hank," I said. "Uncle's upset because he rolled a one fifty-six."
   "What was that, mister one-forty?" asked Billy.
   I turned back to Eb. "I don't really follow Twitter all that closely."
   "Really? I would've thought you'd be big Twitter fan," said Eb.
   "What's on Twitter?" asked Hank.
   "Eb and Becky are getting married," I said.
   Hank perked up a little. "Hey, congratulations, Eb."
   "Thanks, Hank," said Eb.
   "You guys didn't know that?" asked Billy.
   "You knew, Uncle?" I asked.
   "Of course I knew ... don't you monitor your Twitter account?"
   "No," I said. "I don't have a smart phone."
   "But you do
have an account?" asked Eb.
   "Yeah ... but I just check it once in a while ... when I'm on the computer."
   "What? Like once a day?" asked Eb.
   "More like once a week," I said.
   Eb shook his head. "I imagine it's pretty hard to stay current with your followers like that."
   "I suppose ... but I really don't have have very many anyway."
   "Like how many?" asked Eb.
   "I don't know ... maybe twenty or so ... how many do you have?"
   "Gee, it's over two-thousand now."
   Billy looked at him. "You have two-thousand followers on Twitter?"
   Eb blushed. "Yeah."
   Billy shook his head. "Why on earth would two-thousand people follow you, Eb?"
   I answered for him. "He does have successful book, you know."
   "It's a children's book ... kids don't have Twitter accounts."
   "Yeah, but their parents do," I said.
   "Too bad their parents don't read thrillers, eh, Ace?"
 

It's Just Business

An audio version of this post can be found at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58oS7oGT1-0&feature=youtu.be

   "Are you sure you don't mind?" asked Clara.
   I watched Jason frantically pressing the buttons on the game controller. "No ... I've got the afternoon free."
   "Well, I surely do appreciate it," said Clara. "I've got to deliver this box of books to Alex before he heads back to Saginaw."
   I looked at the large box sitting on the table. "I understand ... those are for his stock?"
   Clara blushed slightly. "Yes ... seems that there has been a run on them since I did that signing up there last month."
   "Well, that's terrific."
   "Isn't it amazing? I guess young adult fiction is hot right now."
   "Grandma," shouted Jason. "I've made to tier three!"
   "Fantasitic
, Jason," she said. "Why don't you show Mr. Hudson how to play the game this afternoon?"
   "Okay." Jason didn't take his eyes of the television screen.
   "Uh, that's okay," I said. "I've got plenty to keep me busy."
   Clara smiled. "I'm not much on playing those things either." She looked at the clock. "Oh ... I'd better get going ... I told Alex I'd meet him at 12:30."
   I patted the box of books. "Let me help you out the car with this."
   "Oh, would you mind? It's a little heavy for me."
   "No, not at all." I picked up the box. "Holy smokes ... how many are in here?"
   "Fifty," she said, reaching for the door.
   Before she could open it there was knock. She looked at me, slightly puzzled. "I wonder who that could be?"
   She opened the door and Uncle Billy stood in the hallway.
   "William?" said Clara.
   "Cheryl told me Chris was here ... I need a ride up to Manny's."
   "I'm watching Jason while Clara ... uh, runs an errand."
   "Why doesn't she take Jason with her? That way you take me to Manny's."
   "It's a lunch meeting," said Clara.
   "Oh?"
   "Yes ... I'm meeting with Alex Heath for lunch."
   Billy nodded. "I see ... and you don't want any kids around."
   Clara shook her head. "It's not like that, William ... it's a business meeting and Jason would be bored ... Chris offered to stay with him here until his mother picks him up at 2:00."
   I set a corner of the box on the counter to relieve some of the weight. "Why don't you stay here with us, Uncle ... you can play Zombie Army with Jason."
   "Ah, no ... no that's okay ... you come and get me when you're free." Billy turned to go.
   "Are you going to be at dinner tonight?" asked Clara.
   "No ... I've a business meeting," he said over his shoulder.

Double Play

An audio version of this post can be found at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP_3KW5s9us&feature=youtu.be


   Uncle Billy delicately balanced the food tray in his hands as he edged past the couple at the end of the row and slipped into his seat. "That was an ordeal."
   "You sure were gone a long time," I said. "You missed Miguel slapping a single to right to drive in Jackson."
   "Well, it wasn't by choice. The line at the hot dog stand was ten deep ... it took forever to get this." He handed me a hot dog and a wad of napkins.
   "I appreciate it, Uncle ... in fact I appreciate this whole thing."
   "Hey, it's not everyday I can help my nephew celebrate a birthday."
   I spread the napkins on my lap and set down the hot dog down. "This should be good series ... The Royals are gonna be tough this year."
   He handed me a beer from the tray. "Maybe ... but I couldn't pass up the deal ... Tony Swanson ... you know, the guy across the hall from me?"
   "Yeah?"
   "He was gonna take his grandson, but the kid couldn't get out of school, so he gave the tickets to me."
   "Oh ..."
   "I thought, 'hey, it's Chris's birthday .. I'll bet he'd like to go to the game'."
   "Well, I appreciate it ... and these dogs and beer aren't cheap."
   He held up a bag of peanuts. "Neither are these ... good thing Tony had 50% off coupon for the food concession."
   A cheer went up in the stadium.  I watched Cabrera round third, heading for home. Martinez slid into second with solid double up the gap in right field.
   I set the beer in the cup holder in front of me so I could clap. "How about that?"
   Uncle Billy glanced at the score board. "We're only down three runs now."
   I sighed. "Well, I just want you know that I'm enjoying the hell out of this."
   "I'm glad you are, boy ... I appreciate all the stuff you do for me." Uncle Billy took a bite of his hot dog.
   I looked over at him. It was the first time, at least the first time I could remember, that he had openly acknowledged anything like that. "Gee, Uncle, that's mighty nice of you to say."
   Billy kept his attention on the field as he chewed. Dirks took a mighty swing at a big curve and struck out to retire the side.
   Billy swallowed and said, "Great ... we strand another runner."
   I ignored the hubbub in the stands around us as people started moving for the bathrooms and concessions. "It would've made mom very happy to know that you are so close to Cheryl and me these days."
   Billy took a sip a beer and stared off at the skyline behind centerfield.
   "You miss her, don't you?"
   Billy took another swig of his beer, sniffed and said, "Yeah ... but I've got her son and his wife to keep me company."
   "Gee, Uncle I ..."
   "Now, if Porcello can get his slider over the plate ... maybe we can stay in this ballgame."

Bowling and Taxes

An audio version of this post can be found at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S87x4wM-gFY&feature=youtu.be
   
 
   A cheer went up two alleys over.
   "Riley just rolled a turkey," said Uncle Billy. "Where the hell is Hank?"
   Eb was tying his shoes for the third time. "If he doesn't get here ... ," he looked at the clock over the bar, "... in the three minutes, we're going to have to forfeit."
   I spotted Hank coming in the door. "Here he comes."
   Billy turned to look. "Well, it's about damn time."
   We watched Hank pick his way past the ball racks and make his way to our alley.
   Eb jumped up to greet him. "Hank, where you been?"
   Hank set his bag down. Breathing heavy, he said, "Sorry ... I was with my tax guy and ..."
   Eb slapped him on the back. "We were getting worried about you ... come on, get your shoes on."
   Hank sat down, opened his bag and pulled out his shoes.
   "Tax guy?" said Billy.
   Still breathing heavy, he said, "Yeah."
   "Well? How'd it go?" asked Billy.
   Hank slipped off his street shoes. "It didn't go well."
   "That sounds ominous," I said.
   "What does that mean," asked Billy.
   Hank shoved a foot into one of his bowling shoes. "It means I owe Uncle Sammy."
   "How much?" asked Billy.
   "Come on, Uncle Billy ... that's none of our business," I said.
   Billy rolled his eyes. "Listen to Miss Manners ..."
   "Hank would tell us if he wanted us to know," said Eb.
   Hank was in the process of putting on the other shoe and he paused. "About eighteen hundred bucks."
   "Ouch," I said.
   "Eighteen hundred smackers?" said Billy. "How the hell did you end up owing that much?"
   Hank started tying his shoes. "Remember when I was slack last fall ..."
   "Yeah ... I remember," said Eb, "That was most of September and Oc ..."
   "Shut up, Eb," said Billy.
   Eb frowned.
   Hank smiled and patted Eb on the knee. "Anyway, I took a couple of side jobs ... Dottie's brother-in-law, Zac Wolensky, is a contractor and needed plumbers to work on an apartment complex he's remodeling, and ..."
   "You reported that?" asked Billy.
   "Had too ... Zac ten ninety-nined my wages."
   "Why didn't he just pay you under the table?" asked Billy.
   Hank finished tying his shoes, put his hands on his knees and looked at Billy. "He's gotta track his costs."
   "That makes sense," said Eb.
   "When I did side jobs, I always asked for cash," said Billy.
   I looked at Billy. "When was the last time you did a side job, Uncle?"
   Billy rubbed his chin, "Well, let me think ... "
   "What kind of stuff did you do?" asked Eb.
   Billy ignored Eb, so I answered for him. "He was a carpenter ..."
   "I remember," said Billy. "I built some displays for Carl Magliaro."
   "The car dealer?" asked Hank.
   "One of the biggest in southeast Michigan," said Billy.
   "Didn't that guy end up going to prison for something?"
   "Yeah," I said. "Tax evasion."

Look at me when I'm talking to you!

An audio version of this post can be found at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MOy4wRty1M&feature=youtu.be

   "One grande coffee ... black," said the earnest, smiling server. "That'll be a dollar eight-six."
   I open my wallet and handed a couple of ones across the counter.
   The server took the money, made the change and turned to Eb. "And you, sir?"
   "I'll have a Hazelnut Frappuccino," said Eb.
   "What size?"
   "Oh ... make that a vente."
   "That'll be four oh eight, sir."
   Eb pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to server.
   "Wow ... four bucks for a cup of joe," I said.
   Eb nodded. "It's a little pricey, but, man is it good."
   The young man handed Eb his change. "I'll have your drinks for you in just a moment," he said.
   As we stepped to the side to wait for our coffee, I brushed up against a leafy house plant in a ceramic pot sitting on the counter.
   I casually rubbed one of the leafs. "I wonder what this guy is thinking about."
   "It's a plant, Chris ... what could it be thinking?" said Eb.
   "Oh, I didn't mean thinking in the conventional way," I said. "I saw this documentary on TV last night about how plants communicate ... it was amazing ... these biologists think plants do more than just respond to stimuli ... they actually have ways of communicating with their environment."
   Eb looked puzzled. "Huh?"
   I smiled. "I know ... it was crazy ... they showed how plants that are under stress emit chemical responses that can provide self-defense ... it was some pretty wild stuff."
   "Self-defense?"
   "Yeah, they showed this one plant ... I think it was from the desert somewhere ...  whenever it is under attack from a type of caterpillar, it sends out a chemical SOS to bugs who feed on the caterpillar and ... "
   Uncle Billy walked up. "Who's sending out an SOS?"
   "This guy." Eb pointed to the plant. "Chris was just telling about a show he saw on TV that showed how plants communicate ..."
   "One Hazelnut Frappuccino," yelled the server.
   Eb held up his hand. "That's me." Eb reached for his coffee,
   Uncle Billy looked at the plant. "So, Eb has finally found someone can talk to, eh?"