Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Longer and Straighter

An audio version of this post can be found at:

   Uncle Billy stood up after teeing his ball, looked back at Hank and asked, "Who I'm going to ask for a date to Eb's wedding?"
   "Dottie was just wondering," said Hank.
   "Why would Dottie care about that?" asked Billy.
   Hank leaned on his driver. "She ran into Alma Beeler at the store the other day and ..."
   "She knows Alma Beeler?" Billy asked.
   "Well, yes ... they met at Reggie's on St. Patrick's Day."
   "Oh yeah, I forgot about that." Billy idly swung his club. "So, she asked Dottie who I was taking to the wedding?"
   "Apparently, inquiring minds want to know," I said.
   "I supposed she asked you, too?" said Billy.
   "Yes, as a matter of fact, she did."
   "Becky was kinda wondering about that, too," said Eb.
   "What the hell ..." Billy mused as stepped up to his ball and took a real practice swing. "All of sudden everyone is interested in my business."
   "You're a popular guy, Bill," said Hank.
   Billy shook his head and addressed his ball. "I'm glad I can provide some entertainment for your little minds." He took a swing and there was an usually loud sound when the club head met the ball. We all watched in surprise as the white orb soared in a majestic arc, straight down the middle of the fairway. It took a couple of bounces and rolled to stop, two-hundred and twenty yards away.
   The club resting on his shoulder, Uncle Billy posed for a few seconds to admire his handy work. "Got all of that," he said.
   "You sure did, Bill ... that was your best drive of the day," said Hank.
   Billy dropped the club from his shoulder. "Well, I don't know about that ..."
   "I think Hank's right," said Eb.
   Billy bent down to pick up his tee. "What would you know, Eb ... you've been in the woods on every hole."
   "Come on, Uncle ... we're all happy for you," I said.
   "Well, you make sound like I've been limping along."
   Hank stepped forward and bent down to tee up his ball. "Let's just say the driver hasn't been your friend today."
   "Oh ... okay, Arnold ... let's see what you can do."
   Hank shook his head, took a couple of waggles and unleashed a mighty swing. The ball duck-hooked into the bushes a hundred yards down the fairway. "Well, Bill, I'm glad you're my partner on this hole."
   "So, now you need me," said Billy.
   Hank sighed. "We're a team, Bill ... I need you every hole."
   I walked up, put my tee in the ground and balanced a ball on it. "Alright, Eb, we're getting back into this match."
   "Let's see what Wonder Boy has," said Billy.
   I took a rip at the ball and watched it soar in a line the exact opposite of Hank's shot. It landed with a splash in the pond on the right of fairway.
   Billy smiled. "Nice shot, Ace."
   Eb stepped up and teed his ball. "Where do we stand, Chris?"
   "We're down two ... with four to go," I said. "No pressure."
   Eb took a deep breath, drew back the club head and let it fly. There was a loud smack ... louder than then the one Billy got from his drive. The ball seemed to follow the same trajectory of Billy's, but landed ten yards past it and rolled to a gentle stop another fifteen yards beyond that.
   "Holy smoke, Eb ... where did that come from?" I said.
   Eb just stood there, staring down the fairway.
   "Must be the Viagra he's been taking to prep for his wedding night," said Billy.

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